Burned Out

I've felt it creeping up on me slowly, but I was trying to push it aside and not acknowledge it. Well, that doesn't work. Today, I found myself a second away from a mental breakdown. Thankfully, Jony was able to come home due to some network problems. That worked out for the better. He let me just sit, cry and think for a few minutes to really gather myself together. I'm pretty sure doing it completely alone last week just sent me over the edge. Even before that, though, I could see that I was starting to get frustrated too quickly and wanted to just sit around and have nothing to do with anybody. I really don't think that I have PPD because I'm perfectly content and happy when I'm out of the house and doing something. When I'm at home, though? Another story. I guess it's because I equate home to being this place where I can just kick back and relax. That is SO not the situation with a 9 month old. It's way more exhausting to be home than to be out and about all day. I've realized today that I NEED to make some time for myself. Even if it's just for an hour or two. And it needs to be out of the house- away from everyone. I've had my reality check. Jony is an amazing help; he does a whole lot and even helps at night. He wants a break at night, too, so I usually give it to him. In turn, I'm beginning to resent him. He realized that he needs to step up a bit more in those regards. I just feel that I'm constantly having to be "on," especially since I have a child who goes to sleep at 11/12pm and still wakes up at least once. I don't even have the nighttime off. I am completely burned out.

Overall, I love staying at home, and I really want to make this work. So, we've sent out an SOS to the grandmas who are each going to take him one afternoon a week for a couple of hours. It's a win-win-win situation, and it doesn't make me look like a bad mom. I was so worried that I would look lazy to them if I asked for any help, but they were so excited about the opportunity for some one-on-one time with their little guy. He really loves hanging out with them, so it should be great. I'll go out and just be alone- go shopping, sit at a bookstore, get a smoothie, etc. Anything I want. I have to admit that I'm pretty excited about it. We'll reevaluate in a month or so (we have to give it a good amount of time since Jony is swamped at work and is constantly working- definitely has not helped the situation any, but that's not his fault). If it doesn't seem to be working, we'll look into a MDO program.

I'm really optimistic and am just ready to feel like my old self again and be able to really enjoy my time with my little man.